


Dead Men Group Chat

by TanithClaraComet_BillPip



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Fandom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:55:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26677804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TanithClaraComet_BillPip/pseuds/TanithClaraComet_BillPip
Summary: The Dead Men get WhatsApp, Val creates a group chat for them and chaos ensuesI'm not sure how often I'll update this :)
Relationships: Saracen Rue/Dexter Vex, Tanith Low/Ghastly Bespoke, Valkyrie Cain/Fletcher Ren
Comments: 9
Kudos: 33





	1. The Beginning

Valkyrie: hi  
Tanith: hi  
Dexter: hi  
Saracen: hi  
Erskine: hi  
Anton: hi  
Ghastly: hi  
Skulduggery: salut  
Valkyrie: ...  
Valkyrie: you always have to be the awkward one don't you  
Skulduggery: I'm not being awkward  
Skulduggery: you are merely offended by the fact that I am four times smarter than you, and speak French  
Tanith: aren't you two on a stake out?  
Valkyrie: yes  
Skulduggery: what you, Valkyrie, are not adding is that the person we are staking out has not appeared for the past four hours  
Valkyrie: I was about to say that  
Skulduggery: no you weren't  
Valkyrie: I WAS  
Skulduggery: go and vent your anger on Angry Birds  
Skulduggery: it's the most intelligent thing you are capable of  
Dexter: #burn  
Erskine: I am ashamed that you have fallen to the level of hashtags  
Saracen: you don't have the moral high ground  
Erskine: sorry?  
Saracen: I can see the scrunchies round your wrist, visco boy  
Erskine: SHUT UP  
Tanith: well, looks like someone's touched a nerve   
Saracen: a nerve that he has wrapped around his wrist  
Anton: can I have some of whatever you put in your coffee this morning  
Anton: because whatever it was  
Anton: it seems to have convinced you that that made sense  
Dexter: you say that jokingly, but it's true   
Anton: what?  
Dexter: you know the meme where a person goes "I wish you'd just admit when you make a mistake" and the other person is stirring their tea and they go "I prefer it with salt honestly"?  
Anton: ...yes?  
Dexter: Saracen was the person stirring their tea  
Anton: noted. To ascend from the dark realms of reality, add salt to tea  
Tanith: dark realms?  
Anton: very dark indeed  
Tanith: someone care to explain?  
Valkyrie: he was teaching me how to move the Midnight Hotel, and I sort of broke the lights  
Tanith: literal dark realms  
Tanith: that suddenly sounds a lot less emo


	2. Dexter Discovers Tumblr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dexter discovers Tumblr and Ghastly and Skulduggery get roasted

Tanith: What is up, gang  
Valkyrie: promise me you'll never say that again  
Tanith: no  
Valkyrie: kill me now  
Skulduggery: gladly  
Valkyrie: I did not mean that literally  
Skulduggery: I did  
Dexter: this is brilliant comedy  
Skulduggery: ow  
Skulduggery: just because I'm mean doesn't mean you have to SHOVE ME INTO A THORN BUSH  
Ghastly: you'd better not have torn that suit I made you  
Valkyrie: Skulduggery - go and vent your anger on Angry Birds. It's the most intelligent thing you're at all capable of. Ghastly - he has.  
Dexter: oh burn  
Ghastly: die in a pit, Skulduggery  
Saracen: you sound like a twelve year old. Both of you  
Valkyrie: as an ex-twelve year old, I can confirm. They do.  
Dexter: need some ice for that burn, Skullduggery?  
Tanith: I'm begging you, please stop sounding like you're on Tumblr  
Dexter: then beg  
Tanith: oh god  
Valkyrie: it's too late  
Tanith: Dexter has discovered Tumblr  
Valkyrie: we are doomed


	3. Ship Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has different views on ship names, and none of them are hiding that fact

Tanith: should we use ship names for people in real life? Debate  
Saracen: hell no  
Valkyrie: hell yeah  
Tanith: Saracen, what is your reasoning  
Saracen: because that means that Dexter and I become Sexter, and Dex lacks the mental capacity to cope  
Tanith: Val, it's your turn  
Valkyrie: I say hell yeah because Dexter lacks the mental capacity to cope with being called a member of Sexter  
Tanith: ...  
Tanith: So it's the same point, but you disagree because of it  
Valkyrie: yes  
Tanith: ....ok. Let's hold a vote  
Tanith: those who dislike ship names in real life, say aye  
Saracen: aye  
Ghastly: aye  
Tanith: and those who like them, say aye  
Valkyrie: aye  
Erskine: aye  
Anton: aye  
Skulduggery: aye  
Tanith: aye  
Tanith: Dexter, your vote?  
Saracen: oh my god, the idiot  
Tanith: what did he do?  
Saracen: he just said "aye"  
Saracen: out  
Saracen: loud  
Tanith: for some reason I'm not surprised  
Tanith: anyway, we have a clear answer  
Tanith: Ghanith, Sexter and Fletchyrie are now a thing   
Saracen: damnit  
Dexter: I kind of like Sexter though  
Saracen: I hate its   
Valkyrie: we know, Saracen  
Valkyrie: on the topic of ships  
Valkyrie: we need to have a vote on the best ship  
Tanith: yes  
Skulduggery: ok, but if you're part of a ship, then you can't vote  
Tanith: agreed  
Tanith: so, Saracen, Dexter, Val, Ghastly and I can't vote  
Dexter: wait, who's the other part of Valkyrie's ship?  
Tanith: Fletcher, who isn't in this group chat, idiot  
Dexter: oh right  
Tanith: now we have dealt with that confusion, onto the vote  
Tanith: all for Ghanith, say "aye"  
Skulduggery: aye  
Anton: aye  
Tanith: all for Sexter, say "aye"  
Erskine: aye  
Tanith: all for Fletchyrie, say "aye"  
Valkyrie: I am so offended right now  
Tanith: anyway, we have a winner.... GHANITH!  
Valkyrie: that was rigged  
Skulduggery: don't be a sore loser  
Valkyrie: you can talk  
Valkyrie: remember yesterday, when you lost a little training fight and you sulked for the rest of the night  
Skulduggery: you call it a training fight, I call it shoving me into a bush  
Valkyrie: honestly? Same thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, I love Fletchyrie. But I was trying to imitate what they would have actually voted, rather than my personal choice


	4. April Fool's Day/Sad Fletcher Noises/Clip On Goaties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is April Fool's Day. Chaos in the form of Val and Tanith's pranks results in all hell breaking loose. Featuring Fletcher and some clip on goaties.

Valkyrie: GUYS  
Valkyrie: IT'S APRIL FOOL'S DAY  
Skulduggery: oh no  
Tanith: oh YES  
Valkyrie: time for the first prank bois  
[Valkyrie Cain added Fletcher Ren]  
Tanith: I THOUGHT WE WERE PRANKING SKULDUGGERY  
Valkyrie: we are  
Valkyrie: but I'm pranking you too  
Fletcher: Hi Tanith  
Tanith: oh god  
Tanith: someone stab me  
Tanith: with my sword  
Fletcher: am I that bad? 🥺  
Tanith: do you want the honest answer or the ego-safe answer  
Fletcher: the honest answer ✨  
Tanith: ok. Yes, you are  
Fletcher: *sad Fletcher noises*  
Valkyrie: ok I've seen enough  
Valkyrie: BYE FLETCHER  
Skulduggery: noooooooooo! This is peak comedy  
Valkyrie: sorry Skul, but Fletcher is leaving now  
Fletcher: noooo I don't want to 😭  
Valkyrie: sorry Fletch, but your opinion means nothing  
[Valkyrie Cain removed Fletcher Ren]  
Tanith: oh, thank god  
Valkyrie: I can always add him back if you'd like  
Tanith: as if  
Tanith: anyway  
Tanith: onto pranking Skulduggery?  
Valkyrie: yep  
Skulduggery: oh no  
Valkyrie: oh YES  
Valkyrie: Skulduggery can I borrow a hat?  
Skulduggery: I'm suspicious of the reason why, but sure  
Valkyrie: ....wait for it...  
Valkyrie: ....wait for it...  
Skulduggery: WHY THE HELL HAVE ALL MY HATS BEEN REPLACED WITH CLIP ON GOATIES?!?!?!?!  
Dexter: wait clip on goaties exist?!  
Valkyrie: yep  
Dexter: Saracen  
Dexter: Buy me one  
Saracen: no  
Dexter: I neeeeeeeeeeeeeed  
Saracen: NO  
Dexter: pleeeeeeaaaaaaase  
Saracen: NO  
Valkyrie: shut up  
Valkyrie: anyway Skul, the real question is why did it take this long for it to happen  
Skulduggery: I don't care, damn you  
Valkyrie: damn you too  
Ghastly: What is going on with the damn-yous  
Tanith: it's their way of showing affection  
Ghastly: ok  
Ghastly: because that's normal  
Anton: I know


	5. Skulduggery Wears A Pink Nightie/Truth Or Dare/Dexter Drinks Sewage

Skulduggery: it is a beautiful spring day, and I am sitting in Kenspeckle Grouse's office, being thoroughly told off for breaking my jaw  
Tanith: oh god that is HILARIOUS  
Skulduggery: thank you for your sympathy  
Valkyrie: that's not even the best bit  
Tanith: 👀  
Valkyrie: he's got a pink nightdress with bunnies on it on  
Tanith: OH MY GOD LET ME SEE  
Tanith: IT'S TRUE  
Tanith: MY LIFE IS COMPLETE  
Tanith: completely unrelated but Val What did u do to your hand  
Valkyrie: well how do u think Skul broke his jaw  
Tanith: u didn't?!?!?!  
Ghastly: 👀  
Valkyrie: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!!!  
Dexter: 👀 now that is a story I require  
Tanith: pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaase  
Valkyrie: fine  
Valkyrie: so we were fighting some bad guys, your usual low-life criminals, nothing to difficult, three elementals and an adept  
Dexter: what was the adept's magic?  
Valkyrie: bonebreaker, but he was rubbish at it  
Valkyrie: so, the rubbish adept and two of the elementals were unconscious, probably concussed, and we were fighting the last elemental  
Valkyrie: Skulduggery was holding onto him, and went to whack his jaw into the elemental's head. I went to punch his head. They hit it each other. It hurt  
Valkyrie: and then Skulduggery was glaring at me, so I kicked the elemental in the head, then we dropped them off at a gaol, and went to Kenspeckle's, where we are now  
Ghastly: finally!!!  
Anton: what?!  
Ghastly: we FINALLY have a stupid story to embarrass Skulduggery with  
Anton: oh YES!!!!  
Tanith: this is perfect  
Tanith: anyway, anyone in the mood for truth of dare?  
Valkyrie: sure  
Dexter: sure  
Saracen: sure  
Erskine: sure  
Anton: sure  
Ghastly: sure  
Skulduggery: no  
Tanith: didn't expect u to want to, Skul  
Tanith: anyway  
Tanith: truth or dare, Val?  
Valkyrie: hmmmm  
Valkyrie: truth  
Tanith: you're no fun  
Tanith: what's your crush's name?  
Valkyrie: DARE  
Valkyrie: GIVE ME A DARE  
Tanith: nope  
Valkyrie: fine  
Valkyrie: her name is Militsa, and she is hot  
Tanith: 👀 you dark horse!  
Valkyrie: Dex, your turn  
Tanith: ugh, fine. Dexter, truth or dare  
Dexter: dare, naturally  
Tanith: I dare you to drink sewage  
Dexter: on it  
Saracen: oh no  
Saracen: DEXTER!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Saracen: Dexter is now at Kenspeckle's, and truth or dare is now banned  
Dexter: finally, I get to see the famous nightie  
Skulduggery: I hate you all


	6. Safe Space To Talk About Our Feelings/No Offence To Little Children/People Actually Like Ghastly/That's Where All The Blood's Supposed To Be!

Tanith: as by popular vote, I am now declaring this a safe space for ALL of us to talk about our feelings  
Valkyrie: Tanith, you don't need to look at Skulduggery and Anton, they know the all was aimed at them  
Tanith: doesn't hurt to look at them though  
Skulduggery: I will talk about my feelings in Hell, and Hell only  
Anton: complaining is for little children, with no offence to little children. But yes, I do not want to talk about my feelings  
Dexter: I want to talk about my feelings  
Tanith: we know Dexter  
Dexter: I'm sad  
Tanith: we know Dexter  
Ghastly: it's rude to stare you know, Tanith  
Tanith: I was hoping telepathy would make you talk about your feelings now Dex has spoken about his  
Ghastly: depends. What do I get in return?  
Tanith: what do you want?  
Ghastly: I'll draw you a diagram, should I?  
Valkyrie: NOT IN THE GROUP CHAT PEOPLE  
Tanith: can't we bend the rules just this once?  
Valkyrie: absolutely not. If I'm banned from making out with Fletcher in the group chat, then you are most definitely banned from making out with Ghastly in the group chat  
Tanith: that's different  
Valkyrie: how?  
Tanith: people actually like Ghastly   
Valkyrie: I would be more irritated if that wasn't true  
Skulduggery: glad we're agreed there  
Dexter: can we continue truth or dare?  
Saracen: Kenspeckle banned that  
Dexter: Kenspeckle has banned a lot of things, but we do them anyway  
Saracen: but we don't do stuff he's banned twice, and he's banned truth or dare twice  
Valkyrie: twice?  
Valkyrie: when was the first time?  
Saracen: Tanith dared Dexter to jump of a small cliff  
Saracen: Dexter jumped of a small cliff  
Saracen: Dexter was hospitalised  
Dexter: the doctor said that all the bleeding was internal. That's where all the blood's supposed to be!  
Valkyrie: Dex, it doesn't work like that  
Dexter: you can talk  
Valkyrie: what?  
Dexter: remember when you proceeded to save the world after being blown up in a building WITH internal bleeding  
Tanith: I love that that implies that the building had internal bleeding  
Valkyrie: that was different  
Dexter: how?  
Valkyrie: the world was at stake  
Dexter: my truth or dare reputation was at stake  
Valkyrie: the world is more important than your truth or dare reputation  
Dexter: in your opinion  
Ghastly: I have to agree with Valkyrie here  
Dexter: that doesn't mean she's right  
Ghastly: no, it doesn't  
Ghastly: but it usually does


	7. Satan Respects My Life Choices/God Likes The Gays/Ghastly Uses "Tho"

Valkyrie: does Satan respect my life choices?  
Skulduggery: no. No one respects your life choices, Satan included  
Valkyrie: hey just because you don't doesn't mean Satan doesn't  
Tanith: Satan respects everyone's life choices  
Valkyrie: doesn't that defeat the purpose of being Satan?  
Tanith: the people at the local church say that God hates gay people; that defeats the purpose of being God, he's not supposed to hate anyone. Therefore, if God can hate gay people and still be God, Satan can respect people's life choices and still be Satan  
Skulduggery: valid point  
Ghastly: GOD DOESN'T HATE THE GAYS THO  
Ghastly: it was a mistranslation. It originally said, "Man shall not sleep with boy," which goes against pedophilia. But it was mistranslated to "Man shall not sleep with Man," which goes against homosexuality  
Ghastly: God likes the gays  
Valkyrie: huh. God likes me  
Skulduggery: God's ability to choose who he likes has clearly died  
Valkyrie: it hasn't. Can we talk about how Ghastly used "tho" tho?  
Tanith: wait WHAT?!?  
Ghastly: I used tho. Deal with it  
Valkyrie: hold on, if God does, in fact, like the gays, then he hates no one, rendering your point invalid, Tanith  
Tanith: Satan still respects your life choices tho  
Skulduggery: WHY does Satan respect her life choices?  
Tanith: because if he didn't, he'd have to respect yours  
Skulduggery: rude  
Valkyrie: go vent ur anger on Angry Birds  
Dexter: again?  
Dexter: I didn't know he'd paused playing from last time yet  
Skulduggery: stop ganging up on me  
Valkyrie: no  
[Skulduggery Pleasant has left the chat]  
Tanith: bye then  
Valkyrie: not for long  
[Valkyrie Cain has added Skulduggery Pleasant]  
Skulduggery: let me suffer in peace  
Tanith: sorry, Skulduggery, but no  
Skulduggery: I hate you all  
Valkyrie: you thought that that would have an impact?  
Skulduggery: I wish I could say no  
Valkyrie: you can't, can you?  
Skulduggery: no, I can't  
Valkyrie: oh well  
Tanith: anyone got any ideas for next April Fool's Day?  
Anton: pretend to be dead and live in peace?  
Tanith: I'm sorry, I should have specified: GOOD ideas  
Valkyrie: eat all Dexter's cake?  
Dexter: that goes beyond a prank  
Valkyrie: guess what we're doing next April Fool's Day?  
Dexter: screw you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, just an update! My computer has crashed, so this is the last chapter I can upload till I get it fixed.
> 
> Till then,  
> Au revoir!  
> -Will-


	8. Merry Easter/That Wasn't My Fault/Beans Of The Big Red/Fletcher Bad Caelen Badder/I'm Sorry Bird Man I Atone For My Sins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is an Easter-related problem, and Skulduggery and Valkyrie accidentally end up high on a magical drug

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to my amazing best friend Daisy! love u idiot ❤️

Tanith: merry Easter  
Skulduggery: it's supposed to be happy Easter?  
Tanith: it is NOW merry Easter  
Valkyrie: happy Easter?  
Valkyrie: it's not Easter?  
Dexter: it is  
Valkyrie: wait actually?  
Saracen: no, it's Halloween  
Saracen: yes, of course it's Easter  
Valkyrie: oh god I told my family that I'd spend Easter with them  
Tanith: where are you now?  
Valkyrie: following up a lead in America  
Tanith: I see the problem  
Valkyrie: Skul, can this lead wait till tomorrow?  
Skulduggery: sure  
Valkyrie: Tanith, can you do me a MASSIVE favour that means I'll be in your debt forever and do ANYTHING for you?  
Tanith: ...  
Tanith: depends, what is it?  
Valkyrie: can you flirt with Fletcher so he teleports over and takes me back?  
Tanith: I'd kill and die for you  
Tanith: but flirting with Fletcher is a line in the sand I cannot cross  
Valkyrie: oh god, I'm professionally screwed  
Skulduggery: fear not  
Skulduggery: I've found the thing we came to America for  
Valkyrie: I meant about Easter, numbskull  
Skulduggery: oh no  
Tanith: what, lacking a funny bone?  
Dexter: do you think these jokes are a bit SPINEless?  
Valkyrie: there's no point in making skeleton jokes  
Skulduggery: thank you  
Valkyrie: they just go right THROUGH him  
Dexter: I don't think these are tickling a rib  
Valkyrie: maybe they're getting on his NERVES  
Tanith: oh, wait. he doesn't have them  
Dexter: itching to get away, Skul?  
Valkyrie: feel a dog tugging at you?  
Tanith: the pull of destiny itching your ribs?  
Skulduggery: kill me now  
Valkyrie: oh no  
Tanith: what is it?  
Valkyrie: he dropped the airborne drug  
Skulduggery: oops  
Valkyrie: HEH HEH THE LIGHTS ARW VERRRY FUNMY TGHEY FLASH LOIKE  
Skulduggery: I WANT THR PEOPLR IN THE SCERRN AHH THWYEE VERY FUNNY  
Valkyrie: SOMEONW TEKL THIS WALL THDT CAMMOLUNO BEAMS ARE SUPERIOR  
Valkyrie: *CAMMOLINI  
Valkyrie: *CANMOLINO  
Tanith: it's ok take your time  
Valkyrie: *CANNOLINOO  
Valkyrie: BEANS OF THE BIG RED  
Skulduggery: FLETCHRE BAD CAELAN BADDER  
Valkyrie: NI FLETCHR GOODER CAELEN STUPID CAELEN LOOJ NUCE  
Saracen: for the record, yes, I am filming  
Skulduggery: bentley mineeeeee!  
Valkyrie: IM AORRY BIRD MAN I ATONE FOR MY SINS  
Tanith: is Skulduggery the bird man?  
Saracen: I think so?  
Valkyrie: IM TYPING THIS WITHJJ MY TONGUR THE BURD MAN HAS LOCKED ME UP  
Skulduggery: you wikk nrvde see caelen again mwahahaha!!!!!!!!  
Saracen: ok, it's fine, they've passed out  
Dexter: how much of that did you film?  
Saracen: all of it  
Dexter: good  
Skulduggery: ...uh  
Skulduggery: that wasn't my fault?  
Valkyrie: IT WAS TOTALLY YOUR FAULT  
Skulduggery: HOW WAS IT MY FAULT  
Valkyrie: YOU DROPPED THE DAMN JAR WITH THE DAMN AIRBORNE DRUG IN IT  
Skulduggery: WELL AT LEAST I WASN'T APOLOGISING TO THE BIRD MAN FOR MY SINS  
Valkyrie: AT LEAST I WASN'T COMPARING MY PARTNER'S BOYFRIEND TO HER SEMI-STALKER  
Skulduggery: at least I didn't type with my TONGUE  
Valkyrie: I typed with my tongue?!?!?!?!  
Valkyrie: ew ew ew ew ew!!!!  
Tanith: out of interest, what sins were you telling the bird man that you were atoning for?  
Valkyrie: uh  
Valkyrie: personal ones?


End file.
